Goodbye 2010

Kind of glad to see the year go. Hasn't been an easy year: PB going on 2 years without a job, me without a job, Shorty dying, going to college after 15 years, etc.... Here's hoping that 2011 brings a greater sense of inner peace, happiness, closeness to those who have grown distant, rocking the college thing & mega prayers that I get into the nursing program.

* * Taken at noon in Michigan. 50 degrees!! Not on December 31st!!

Happy Turkey Day!

First Thanksgiving without Shorty at the table across from me. Here's hoping it goes alright. Miss you Shorty! (funny Thanksgiving story to follow later).

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy the friends, family, food, naps, football & searching through the black Friday ads!

so much for catching up

School is going pretty well. I wish I was doing better in Anatomy (one of the 5 classes they base your GPA on in order to get into the nursing program).

Thinking about school and all that it entails is really overwhelming at the moment and it's left me feeling very alone.

1 house, 2 people, 0 jobs, 2 people trying to go to school, 1 person's unemployment about to run out - does not make for a very settled & calm Chicky.

Thinking about what to say to catch up just makes me want to cry. I feel like there's 10 gallons of shit stuffed into a 5 gallon bucket and it just wants to overflow. I want to lose it, cry, scream, yell, and talk it out. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I would be judged or viewed as "weak" or "just being emotional" or "wanting to pick a fight" by the people who are closest to me, those who already seem to have a lower opinion of me. I can't always be strong, and I know this, I can't always try to be good, or whoever everyone wants me to be. I just wish I felt comfortable and safe enough to let go.

I'm ok or happy for a while but there's always this underlying current that never quite leaves me.

And I need it to leave me.

As it should be I suppose

I got side tracked with school & CNA training. Truthfully, I should be typing up my paper for my Psych class today @ 12:15..... Guess I should get another cup of coffee & start typing.

I'll catch up tonight or over the weekend!

8/16/10

We know now that these things are simpler
yet more confused

What we thought we knew
we don't
& what we didn't
we do

We go from place to place
person to person
trying to find our fit
our right

If we think to much - we are hurt
too little - the same

There is a balance - one we're never
quite sure of
& always second guessed

Should we fit
what if the point is to not?

3 weeks left

of summer semester and everything seems to be going well!

I've got an argumentative issue paper due Monday for History and a survey paper for Sociology due by 8/13, the last day of class. Plus I've got to take the exam for Word Processing soon too. Since 2 classes are online/self-taught it's a little easier than having to go to school for 3 classes.

Word Processing is the only class that counts toward getting into the nursing program. But seriously it's word processing - this is stuff I learned in high school. So I'm going to take the exam until I get 100% (up to 5 times).

I love Matt or was it Mike

I have absolutely no bruise from giving blood yesterday! Every other time I've given blood (admittedly not much) or had blood drawn I've been left with a significant bruise. But I have none! Just a little scab over where the needle was. I'm so happy - I may even have to write to MI Blood & sing Matt's praises.

I did learn a few things while I was there. Warm/room temperature water helps the blood flow better or quicker. Also that my main vein in my arm(s) is a lot deeper than would be expected (have to remember that in school & future blood drives). It took about 16 minutes to get a pint - but for whatever reason it seems to take a little while to a pint.

I want to suck your blood....

err.... actually they wanted mine.

I went & gave blood today - probably the first time in 12 or more years. I have to say this was a much better experience than last time. They actually found a vein without trying both arms, & causing much pain. It's too soon to tell on the bruising but I'd be surprised if there's much if even any.

I kind of went for selfish reasons. I figure if I'm going to school for Nursing chances are my classmates and I will be guinea pigs for each other at some point in time. I might as well start getting used to needles & being poked (yeah I know that sounded dirty.... ]: )

I'm signed up for 3 classes this summer, one at the South Haven campus and two online. One of the online classes is a pre-req for the RN program. They review your GPA in 5 pre-req's in order to get into the program. So I really need to bust ass & get great grades in those!!

& just because it's too cute not to share, meet Bub my little evil furry minion -

If you want a "nice drive" road - just ask a biker

Went for a motorcycle ride to Grand Haven this afternoon. Picked up J for Father's Day since we didn't have her this weekend, then took the lakeshore road to get there. Went up Five Mile Hill just because that's what you're supposed to do whenever you go to Grand Haven (that's my story & I'm sticking to it - besides I haven't gotten any complaints! :) Got a corn dog at one place & then a waffle cone with homemade ice cream from Temptations.

It was a great day for a ride!

Happy Father's Day, Shorty. Miss you.....

No man is an island - or is she?

There are times I feel so lonely. The more I look into Nursing school & it's requirements the more it seems like a huge steep sand dune to climb. I don't have an outlet for everything that I think about, worry about, or wonder about.

Going to school will have a big impact on the next year doing prereq's. But once I'm in the program they basically own me for the next 2 years.

I may be over thinking things but they've been rolling around my head for days. I should just go to bed, get up in the morning & have a good cup of coffee.

p.s. What do you think of the new look? I think they're poppies (I love poppies) & one of Shorty's names from me, before he became Shorty, was Poppie. : )

Friday

I'm signing up for Summer & Fall classes on Friday.

I hope I'm doing the right thing, picking the right field. It's a lot of work for something I have no idea if I'd like or be good at for that matter. Big scary step.....

"Leap & the net will appear."

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - I'm kinda counting on this one....

Misc web browsing finds......

Is that your final answer?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

Well if that isn't fitting for the "What do I want to do with my life?" questions I've been trying to figure out lately.....

I think I'm going to go for an RN. I shadowed the x-ray department yesterday and while it seemed interesting, CT in particular, everyone I talked to said the job prospects weren't looking good. They also said that it ebbs & flows. They don't need anyone now but in a few years, who knows?

With nursing there seem to be so many more options for jobs; hospitals, clinics, doctors offices, nursing homes, hospice, home health, & maybe more I haven't thought of or know about.

When I make it through school I think I might have to buy this:

me - worried??

Grandma does this & I'm worried about college....

A sounding board without judgment would be nice. That and shadowing a couple departments at the hospital hopefully will help. Gotta love my aunt & her connections! I just wish I knew what I really wanted to do....

Scary news

Found out today that for this year there are 95 openings into the Nursing program. They have 315 people to choose from. They start with the highest grades and go from there.

I found out yesterday that they only admit people to the program once a year. They choose during May for the following Fall. So the earliest I could get into the program is Fall 2011. But now knowing about the amount of people looking to get into so few spots... has me wondering how soon I'd really get into the program.

Another bad thing - In order to get the money from the state you have to be "enrolled in the program". I've heard from some people that you're not eligible for the money if you're taking the pre-reqs to get into the program. Once you're accepted into the program then you can get the money. But will the program still be around in a year (at best)?

Cheerleader

You know what people could really use? There own personal cheerleader!

Someone to tell you they're not crazy for thinking something totally beyond what you've ever thought.

Someone to give them a big shot of confidence if yours is lacking at the moment.

Someone to tell them "You can do it" when you're convinced you can't or that it's too much.

Someone to not project their own fears/concerns on to you.

Someone who believes in you no matter what - even when everyone else is saying you can't or shouldn't.

Someone who has faith in you and that things will work out even when you can't see it right now.

Now I'm not just saying the typical high school cheerleaders - rah rah go team.... kind of stuff. Or some who just "blows smoke up your ass". But more like the boxing coach who is always in your corner rooting for you even when you're stumbling and can barely open one of your eyes for the swelling.

I remember an episode of an old tv show from too many years ago. A guy, who was an incredible nerd, kind of had the same thoughts I just shared. He made a box - in the music box fashion - that when opened it gave you a standing ovation. Applause, cheers, whistles - the whole 9 yards.

Kinda wish there really was one of those out there in the world....

Seriously?!? I'm actually thinking about it??

It's been over 4 months since Shorty passed away. And for me avoidance seems to be working well on allowing me to keep going. Sometimes sad thoughts hit but then I just stuff them down & go on. One of these days that 10 gallons of shit in a 5 gallon bucket will spill over... that will not be a fun day.

About 3 months ago - On the day before a trip PB & I couldn't afford but got guilted into going on (family wedding in Vegas - we're in MI) - I got laid off. Talk about timing! Try to have fun after that.... Ok it was my first trip to Vegas so I did have fun but the worry was still in the back of my mind.

Michigan has a program to help displaced workers (that'd be me!) get money for school/training in a high growth field, up to $5,000 for 2 years - $10,000 total. That got me thinking about what I might like to do. After thinking & debating for a while decided on Radiology Technology. Talked to the MI program about funding & started getting things together to get enrolled in college for xray tech.

After talking to my aunt today & her talking to her contacts in the hospital and that department I find out that xray techs are about a "dime a dozen" lately. So after going to school for 2 1/2 years or so, depending on how many pre-reqs I'd need, it sounds like there won't be a job available or certainly very few.

More talking to my aunt & thinking (& talking & thinking...alot) I'm thinking about possibly going to school to be a Registered Nurse. Me - a nurse. After hearing from my (the same) aunt ever since I can remember that I'd be a great nurse. Her logic for this I still don't know (may have to ask her that one!) other than she always wanted her 2 kids to be doctors, the oldest is - the younger not. Me - the person who never wanted to be a nurse, partly probably because my aunt wanted me to be (I can be stubborn to a fault sometimes).

Really?!? I'm seriously thinking about an RN??

It's still a 2 year program, again plus whatever pre-reqs. It's still at the school I was already thinking of attending. The money is better for an RN than an xray tech. I could take another year after becoming an RN to get a B.S. (Bachelor's of Science) which would then open up more opportunities & larger pay scale. Plus I could do the B.S. online. Plus if I were an RN it would open up a variety of job options other than bedside - since I'm not sure if bedside is something I'd enjoy. But who knows, after going through school for it I might actually enjoy it.....

ME - maybe an RN.... really???

Almost 3 weeks

It's strange the memories that pop up in the weeks after someone's gone and the feelings that accompany them.

I remember:

Being so pissed in AR for an "out-of-the-blue-must-turn-NOW" turn on the bikes with a semi right behind PB.

- - - I kinda feel bad about that one. Maybe Shorty wasn't thinking clearly or didn't realize how close traffic was behind us. Maybe the heat was affecting him worse than the rest of us, since there wasn't much body mass to him compared to the rest of us & we didn't have his health issue too.

The fight he & I had the 2nd to last time he was in the hospital. He was grumpy about being there and not being home. Mom talked to the dr. and told him of a conversation & decision that we (the 3 of us) had come up with. Shorty accused mom of talking behind his back & possibly not telling the dr. the 'real' truth. Mom got really upset (part from what he was saying/accusing her of & I think in part because of the stress & worry over the whole situation - you know 10 gallons of crap in a 5 gallon bucket). She started to cry & left the room. I started in on Shorty - "Do you seriously believe that mom would do such a thing to you?" "We don't like you being here anymore than you like being here." "Do you know how much mom does for you and on your behalf? And how much she tries to get you home - if its safe for you to be there?" etc.... etc.... He came back with what I expected & was ready for. "I know she does this - cause I've seen her behind me shaking her head or nodding at dr.'s appointments, giving him a different answer to the question." etc... etc....
This went on for 10 minutes or more. Finally after me just staring at him in silence he said "I think you need to leave now" I said I loved him & wished that he'd get home as soon as the dr.'s said he could.

- - - Thinking about it now I kinda smile & laugh a little. My dad kicked me out of his room. He would never do that & never did until that day. Seriously?!? Shorty kicked me out... said I needed to leave now... It's so far from reality that it's just funny.

I remember when Shorty was drinking (since has been sober for over 20 years). Cabbage Patch dolls were huge then - you remember when women were getting into fist fights over the last doll in the city - and they had just come out with Cabbage Patch Twins!! Oh those stupid commercials hooked me - I thought it would be sooo cool to have Cabbage Patch Twins. Shorty was sitting in his chair one night when I said how much I wanted those. The memory is a bit fuzzy here on if what took place was the same night or another after I made that comment. Shorty came into the house with 2 stuffed animals - a dog and a lamb - that he had gotten from some guy at the bar. These weren't the Cabbage Patch Twins I wanted - not even close. I was polite and said thanks and acted like I was happy to get them and oh look how cute.... but it wasn't ok, it wasn't the same, it was even worse than wanting a stupid doll from a tv commercial.

- - - Thinking about it now, I still feel the same. I know now that he was just doing the best he could and his alcohol fuzzy mind thought it would make me happy. I can appreciate that & love him for the fact that he was thinking of me..... but he so missed the mark.

In TN on the bikes the folks were behind me & I was 'playing' on a roller coaster road that I hadn't seen before. A too sharp turn with no warning sign and a chunk of rock later, I laid the bike down. Broken mirror, shaved & broken windshield, scratched helmet & really scratched visor, among a few other scratches & dents. Shorty comes over the hill & sees me & the bike laying on the road. Mom freaks out about me - scratches & blood mixed with gravel and I'm freaking out about my bike. Mom tends to me while Shorty tends to my bike. I'm crying & pointing to my broken bike (who true to her awesomeness starts right up again after Shorty picked her up!). Shorty starts saying "It's ok, Daddy will fix it. We're at a rally, they have everything we need at the vendors. We'll get a new windshield, and we can have the helmet touched up & buy a new visor. We'll get a new mirror or if they don't have one, they can order it to be here the next day. It's ok, Daddy will fix it." And he did. After going to the hospital & taking it easy for a day we went to the vendors. He bought me a new windshield (they had to overnight special mounting brackets), he had the paint on my helmet touched up, he bought me a new visor for my helmet. He special ordered a mirror that was there the next day. Even though I was old enough to have moved out & be on my own - he still paid for everything & told me not to worry about the cost cause he was going to get it. Daddy fixed it.

- - - God, I love him

So now what?

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should do something - be productive, run this weeks errands, pick up & clean the house, sort through my closets, clean out the pop cans that are rolling around the backseat of the car (& under the front seats to tell the truth), walk/jog on the treadmill, sort through the crap in the basement and put it for sale on craigslist or ebay. But part of me wants to lay around on the couch and do not a damn thing.

I don't have an answer to "Now what?".

You know how when you go on vacation to a new place or do something new, like whitewater rafting. You have no idea what to expect. You're nervous, apprehensive, and maybe even scared - because you don't know what's in store. But that's fun, exciting.

This isn't. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do. My dad's never died before. I'm in complete foreign territory. With, as my cousin put it, "corny crap" people always say at times like this to guide me. However, I've never wanted to be a cliche'. I didn't want to do or be or become anything like what I felt others thought I should be. My aunt always said, "You will be a great nurse." (she's a nurse). While that may have been very true her use if "You will..." kind of put me off the idea of being a nurse. I know it probably makes no sense - but why should I start now? :)

I don't know how to do this. I want to loose it; but I feel like I should be restrained - be in control. I want to punch the walls; but then I'd have to fix them or at least pay for the fix. I want to take a baseball bat to a tree (or a retaining wall works well too :); but that will break my only remaining bat (and the possible fix thing again). I want to get in my car & drive, with my ipod & a box of tissues; but gas isn't cheap & with PB not working we're trying to watch the pennies.

I feel kinda bad for PB. I know he's there for me & cares about me and how I feel but he doesn't know what to do either. Not because of him but because I haven't/can't give him a direction to act. I pull into myself not leaving much room for other things. That doesn't mean I want him to go into himself & be quiet.... It' s really a catch 22 - I want to be alone, but really I don't. I want to be hugged & touched, but yet I don't. He wants to be there for me and help - and I want him to, I just don't know, very well, how to let him. I tend to be independent to a fault. Sometimes it really bites me in the ass....

Not looking forward to the visitation tomorrow night.

RIP, Shorty

About 12 hours after arriving at hospice, my dad passed away this morning - I got the call at 6:36 am.

Mom & I didn't want him to suffer any longer, and obviously neither did he. God had a plan - get him where he could be comfortable (although it wasn't his recliner at home) and could be looked after, give us a chance to accept that this time was really the time He wanted Shorty, and let him fall asleep, finally restful, with the help of meds.

He's gone too soon. But if the last few months say anything, he fought as much as he could & even more. Now is his time to rest here on earth & find all that heaven has to offer.

I'm so glad I was able to go on vacation on the bikes with him one last time this past June. He wasn't able to fish as much as I would have liked to see, but he still had fun and caught more fish than either PB or I. I'll never again follow the blue trike blindly wherever it went, knowing that Shorty wouldn't lead me anywhere that wasn't safe. I didn't even have to look both directions before I turned (even though I did - he taught me better than that) because he'd wouldn't go unless there was enough room/space for me to go also. I wish we could have gone out more after we got back but he just wasn't able to. Just a small ride with mom and that was the end of his riding season. But I'm so grateful for that last trip.

Go find the best roads in heaven for us Shorty. I'll be there later to once again follow wherever you lead. i love you

Hospice has been called.....