Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years Tenacity

I don't do resolutions.

They are nice ideas, and I've toyed with the thought of them over the years. But they just don't work for me. So I've decided on tenacity for the new year. A list of things that will be foremost in my mind in the coming year. Things that will important to me to work on - personally, professionally, internally, and relationship-wise.

1 - know that the only person I can truly make happy is me.

2 - continue on working to make me happy.

3 - more knitting.

4 - more blogging.

5 - continue going to the gym daily with Sundays off (gym's closed).

6 - continue to try new classes.

7 - work on eating better & continue to pick better/healthier foods.

8 - find RAK's (Random Acts of Kindness) to commit on unsuspecting people. : )

9 - more knitting blogging & pictures.

10 - plan a great vacation (doesn't have to be extravagant, but it will be fun).

I hope to attend B's graduation in the spring. It would also be nice to go to his open house but if it's at his mom's house (like he wants) I will most likely not be invited /allowed to attend. [His mom called the cops on me once because I was in my car, in her driveway, dropping off the kids.]

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

See you soon!!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Expectations - - -

You know...... I've always wanted to be the youngest to do something. The youngest to write an epic poem - the youngest to write a book - the youngest to paint an amazing picture (but I don't paint....) - the youngest to do something in this wanting world.

But I don't feel young enough to potentially fill that category any more. For that matter when I was a kid, I could usually mark the years by how much I felt lacking about me in my own head.

So I no longer feel able to be the youngest to do anything - so then my mind goes to Grandma Moses. Now I'm not that old by that any stretch of the imagination (although some days my mind fucks with the rest of me and my head).

So here's my question/issue - - - now what do I do? I'm no longer in the category to be the youngest at or in anything (at least in my own head). And Lord knows I don't have the patience to wait around to be the oldest in something (unless I'm really that old - and despite my own screwed up head 30 really isn't that old). So where does that leave me??

For as much as I've wanted to be known for something; I also want to be "not-known". So again - where does that leave me?

So '2 roads diverged in a wood and I took'.... which one?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Yes, I have been Missing In Action......

I have the most sincere intention to change that - - - however, I have a slight fear. A fear of integrating myselves. The self that the general public knows, the self that my family knows, the self I am in my own head and the self that I think the world (however large or small that may be) expects of me.

Here we go.........

My family -
I have said a couple times to PB that I wonder if my family (mom & dad, mom in particular) would like me if they knew the real me. The me who sometimes likes too much wine, who's been known to dance on bar stools, or who is currently working at a winery (!!!) despite the history alcohol has played in her childhood. I know where I've come from, both the horrors of it and the other side. I believe I have become an adult (if in age only and not "mental feeling" at times) and I'm entitled to my own beliefs and conclusions. This is my life and my mistakes or triumphs to make. I love you all and hope you still love me.

My family, PB & my stepkids -
I hesitate to use that term "stepkids"....they are by definition but I've never liked that term but I've yet to come up with anything else that seems too fit. {so if you have any ideas, let me know.} I love PB with all my heart and I care about his kids more than I expected to and given that admission - I've reached a problem. While their mother has a place in their life and I have tried not to replace her, there are areas in which I feel she needs replaced. I'm sure whatever parenting style I would have, if I had my own kids, would be different and still respectable - I have to question what goes on in a house that's not my own. I feel DD is dancing on a precarious line - one that a tiny breeze could push over to the undesirable side. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it due to the timing PB & I have with DD. How do you instill thoughts & values & self-respect in someone you don't see but 1 night a week and every other weekend?? Especially when 'mom' doesn't do much of those things in the times she's not by me....
As for DS - - - For whatever reason I'm fine to deal with DD but DS..... I don't know..... For some reason PB and I have problems even talking about him. Now, don't get me wrong - he is not a bad kid, quite the contrary. He's a good kid and doesn't do those things you wouldn't want him to do and he's a smart kid that when he does his homework he gets good grades (A's - B's) but he has had a hard time getting his homework done (although in fairness, he's been much better this 1/2 of term). He still needs to do some makeup work for his sophomore year (currently a senior) - he has one and 1/2 homeschool classes to make up in order to graduate. At his current pace I'm concerned about him being able to graduate this year. I would love nothing more to be sitting in some stuffy gym with other hot & sweaty parents (although I don't see myself in that role or with that title....) and too many cameras watching B graduate. But right now I'm concerned and worried that that vision may not happen.

General pubic -
Not sure why I care about these people, really. I think I "should" be good, nice, pleasant, helpful, quiet, etc..... While in general I am these things I wish I could and would stand up for me more often. I'm a Cancer (for whatever it's worth) and I can usually see all points of view even if it's not my particular view point. I really do want to make people feel comfortable, happy and for them to enjoy themselves - I just need to do that without the expense of that being "me". I think my new job at the winery has given me the opportunity to do that (to the point I've said something to a customer and then thought "Did I just say that?!?!" "Woo Hoo"). However, I'm having a difficult time translating that to my home life. Do you ever feel like you're in a rut and unsure of how to get out?

After all this (sorry about the book, but not really...) I'm left with these 2 quotes by 'someone':

"The difference between a rut & a grave is six feet."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

God help me lose myself and in the process truly find myself. I just hope those closest to me can make the transition with me, as I love them all dearly.

"Leap & the net will appear"

- - - Geronimo! - - -

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


There are times......

...when someone with self confidence looses sight of herself and wants help being found.

...that you miss the forest for the trees.

...when you can no longer keep quiet and things just come spilling out.

....I believe, that a well meaning person just doesn't know what to do - so they just do nothing.

...when talking is over-rated and you should just grab someone and hold them.

...when talking is the hardest thing to do.

...when listening with an open heart and mind is harder.

...when life just feels like too much.

...when you wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear how someone talks about you when you're not around.

...when you're not where you thought you'd be by now in life - but you discover you don't want to be anywhere else - only to realize that you still need to reconcile that fact in your own head.

....when you truly don't know your own worth or importance to other people.

....that being yourself is the most terrifying but probably the most exhilarating thing you can do.

God help me........

Saturday, July 07, 2007

7 - 7 - 07

Lucky or not??

There has been a lot of talk about this day/date. I wonder if in 1907 people had the same talk about this date then?

I have to say that today has been a good day so far, not particularly lucky or unlucky. Just a nice sunny, blue sky fluffy clouds kind of day.

However, I've always believed that another date full of 7's has been pretty lucky; July 14, 1977 - my birthday! Although this year I will be 30..... not sure how lucky that date will be this year.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

To Linda - - -

Today we went to a party for Linda, the wife of a friend/vendor (hubby & I are both in purchasing, we both consider him a friend more than anything). We had met her about a year ago when we were invited to their house to help fix their computer.

PB & I hadn't met her before but we knew Al (friend/vendor) pretty well. Linda greeted us with a hug, like we were old friends. By the end of that dinner we were all laughing, joking, getting into deep personal conversations as well as fluff. On the drive home I told PB "I like her - she's really good people." [I usually get along better with guys than I do women so for me to get along this well with someone and truly enjoy their company was pretty high praise from me.]

We met her and Al for lunch once during the week a couple months after that fuzzy night (the wine she was a-flowing that night...) and again we were greeted with a hug like we were old friends. You know those kind of friends that are more like family than friends - that's how Linda made us feel even though we didn't know each other for years.

Today was a celebration of her and the life she had. Linda passed away from cancer about 2 weeks ago. It truly was a party and exactly what she wanted. There was beer & wine, munchie food, pictures, stories and dancing. I believe it was a party she would have liked and I can see her going from table to table making everyone feel welcome and comfortable.

Linda - I didn't know you well but I loved the person I knew and came to know better today. May I not see you again for a long time but you'll be one of those people I look up in Heaven someday. I hope to discover your welcoming spirit and openness to and with others. You left too soon & will be missed.


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Holiday weekend = dead mouse

So far it's been a quiet weekend. Friday night we went out for dinner with my husband's - - - not sure what to call him. It's hubby's mother's ex-boyfriend of 10 years or so. He's still very much a part of MIL's life & her parents lives. So what title does that give him?? I really need to create new titles for some of hubby's family....

Yesterday we ran some last minute errands for things we'd need for the weekend. You know - steak, fungus (mushrooms), for shish-ka-bob's. Already had the chicken, onion and pineapple chunks at home. Also picked up a fresh pineapple, tortilla chips, creamy mexi-dip, and whole tilapia fish. The fish are in the smoker as we speak and the steak and chicken will soon be in a marinade for later.

Now, for the dead mouse part of our story - -

I wake up this morning, head to the bathroom and one of the 2 cats that call this place home is going crazy around the toilet. Meowing and pacing back and forth under my legs. Normally she's going crazy in the sink trying to make you turn the water on so she can have a drink. So I walk back to the bedroom to get a flashlight (the bathroom light was not an option that early!).

I mention to PB that Maggie's going wacko and he tells me to go by him and he'd tell me why. Ok now I'm really curious and of course I have to go check it out! I look around where she's pacing and see a mouse trap behind the toilet.....

To the best of my knowledge (I learned later that I didn't know everything on this topic) there has not been a mouse in this house. Now there was a bat in here once but that's another story.

I crawl back into bed and that's when I learn about the events of early this morning. PB got up around 4 or so and headed to the bathroom only to see a cat going nuts and a mouse. He goes to get a shoe and hears our uninvited visitor squeaking.

Good, he thinks, Maggie's caught it and it won't be difficult to evict the little rodent. Maggie then hears PB behind her and lets the mouse go as she trots out of the bathroom. Great - now there's an injured rodent wandering around. He goes back outside to get a trap and gets it set up.

This whole time he's hoping beyond hope that I haven't woken up with all this commotion because I would have a heck of a time getting to sleep with the thought of a mouse in the house. (Now I'm not scared of them but my general take on uninvited nature in my house is that they need to leave or die - either way they gotta go!) He crawls back into bed and hears a little snore from me, and starts laughing to himself.

As he's telling me the story I'm trying to remember any strange noises or odd things I may have heard. I got nothing - I slept through the whole thing!

I get up, take a shower and then I see a little rodent head behind the behind/over the toilet shelf thingy and a tail behind the garbage. Fortunately, the head was laying back as if our little guest was trying to get a tan. According PB the little guy sustained some pretty good wounds from Maggie and wouldn't have stood much of a chance had he made it out of the house.

This just further proves that my statement is universal - "Don't mess with a Chicky!"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Skulls..... I'm in love

I figured out something to knit over this past Easter weekend. This, slightly modified to be a bit bigger. I found a charcoal grey with a nice blood red for the skull. No pictures at the moment. Since I haven't started on the skull yet it wouldn't really be much to look at.

I've also found a couple new Sigg bottles that I think I'm going to have to get. This blue and white one and this black and red one. These bottles are so cool! I bought one a while back and just started using it in the last month or so. They keep your water (or whatever...) cold and they're way better than normal plastic water bottles. They are intended to be reusable and very easy to clean. Not to mention that they can take a shot and can still be used. : )

And I came across some awesome skull & crossbones buttons. Now only if I could find the link for them I might be spending some more money.....

However, I've recently been working out more and trying to eat better. I've gotten up early every day before work for nearly a month and I've already lost 10#'s. So with that goal met - I decided my reward was that blue Sigg bottle. Now what reasoning could I come up with for the black one? ]: )

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Friday that isn't a Friday

I get a nice long weekend starting now. I've got Good Friday off of work. So you know what that means..... Time to find bad tv or a few movies, some UFO's and go crazy. One problem - I've become bored with my UFO's and I'm dying to try something new but I haven't found inspiration yet. I smell a LYS trip in my future!

Any suggestions on what to knit? I've got 2 scarves, a Garterlac dishcloth, and a Ruana currently on needles. I'm thinking I'm going to have to make one of these, filled with cotton balls & cat nip for an Easter treat for the critters. I've checked all the free patterns I've saved, looked through the couple books I have, and a couple magazines - and I've come up with nothing!

Help? Hints? Suggestions? Anything?

I've got 3 days without any real set plans other than it would be nice to knit something....

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's been a while....

Ok - really it's been about 3 months.... bad me....

However, I've realized that this is a pretty good outlet and I should use it to it's full potential.

Watch this space - - - more to come!