Monday, October 29, 2007

Expectations - - -

You know...... I've always wanted to be the youngest to do something. The youngest to write an epic poem - the youngest to write a book - the youngest to paint an amazing picture (but I don't paint....) - the youngest to do something in this wanting world.

But I don't feel young enough to potentially fill that category any more. For that matter when I was a kid, I could usually mark the years by how much I felt lacking about me in my own head.

So I no longer feel able to be the youngest to do anything - so then my mind goes to Grandma Moses. Now I'm not that old by that any stretch of the imagination (although some days my mind fucks with the rest of me and my head).

So here's my question/issue - - - now what do I do? I'm no longer in the category to be the youngest at or in anything (at least in my own head). And Lord knows I don't have the patience to wait around to be the oldest in something (unless I'm really that old - and despite my own screwed up head 30 really isn't that old). So where does that leave me??

For as much as I've wanted to be known for something; I also want to be "not-known". So again - where does that leave me?

So '2 roads diverged in a wood and I took'.... which one?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Yes, I have been Missing In Action......

I have the most sincere intention to change that - - - however, I have a slight fear. A fear of integrating myselves. The self that the general public knows, the self that my family knows, the self I am in my own head and the self that I think the world (however large or small that may be) expects of me.

Here we go.........

My family -
I have said a couple times to PB that I wonder if my family (mom & dad, mom in particular) would like me if they knew the real me. The me who sometimes likes too much wine, who's been known to dance on bar stools, or who is currently working at a winery (!!!) despite the history alcohol has played in her childhood. I know where I've come from, both the horrors of it and the other side. I believe I have become an adult (if in age only and not "mental feeling" at times) and I'm entitled to my own beliefs and conclusions. This is my life and my mistakes or triumphs to make. I love you all and hope you still love me.

My family, PB & my stepkids -
I hesitate to use that term "stepkids"....they are by definition but I've never liked that term but I've yet to come up with anything else that seems too fit. {so if you have any ideas, let me know.} I love PB with all my heart and I care about his kids more than I expected to and given that admission - I've reached a problem. While their mother has a place in their life and I have tried not to replace her, there are areas in which I feel she needs replaced. I'm sure whatever parenting style I would have, if I had my own kids, would be different and still respectable - I have to question what goes on in a house that's not my own. I feel DD is dancing on a precarious line - one that a tiny breeze could push over to the undesirable side. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it due to the timing PB & I have with DD. How do you instill thoughts & values & self-respect in someone you don't see but 1 night a week and every other weekend?? Especially when 'mom' doesn't do much of those things in the times she's not by me....
As for DS - - - For whatever reason I'm fine to deal with DD but DS..... I don't know..... For some reason PB and I have problems even talking about him. Now, don't get me wrong - he is not a bad kid, quite the contrary. He's a good kid and doesn't do those things you wouldn't want him to do and he's a smart kid that when he does his homework he gets good grades (A's - B's) but he has had a hard time getting his homework done (although in fairness, he's been much better this 1/2 of term). He still needs to do some makeup work for his sophomore year (currently a senior) - he has one and 1/2 homeschool classes to make up in order to graduate. At his current pace I'm concerned about him being able to graduate this year. I would love nothing more to be sitting in some stuffy gym with other hot & sweaty parents (although I don't see myself in that role or with that title....) and too many cameras watching B graduate. But right now I'm concerned and worried that that vision may not happen.

General pubic -
Not sure why I care about these people, really. I think I "should" be good, nice, pleasant, helpful, quiet, etc..... While in general I am these things I wish I could and would stand up for me more often. I'm a Cancer (for whatever it's worth) and I can usually see all points of view even if it's not my particular view point. I really do want to make people feel comfortable, happy and for them to enjoy themselves - I just need to do that without the expense of that being "me". I think my new job at the winery has given me the opportunity to do that (to the point I've said something to a customer and then thought "Did I just say that?!?!" "Woo Hoo"). However, I'm having a difficult time translating that to my home life. Do you ever feel like you're in a rut and unsure of how to get out?

After all this (sorry about the book, but not really...) I'm left with these 2 quotes by 'someone':

"The difference between a rut & a grave is six feet."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

God help me lose myself and in the process truly find myself. I just hope those closest to me can make the transition with me, as I love them all dearly.

"Leap & the net will appear"

- - - Geronimo! - - -