Thursday, January 07, 2010

So now what?

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should do something - be productive, run this weeks errands, pick up & clean the house, sort through my closets, clean out the pop cans that are rolling around the backseat of the car (& under the front seats to tell the truth), walk/jog on the treadmill, sort through the crap in the basement and put it for sale on craigslist or ebay. But part of me wants to lay around on the couch and do not a damn thing.

I don't have an answer to "Now what?".

You know how when you go on vacation to a new place or do something new, like whitewater rafting. You have no idea what to expect. You're nervous, apprehensive, and maybe even scared - because you don't know what's in store. But that's fun, exciting.

This isn't. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do. My dad's never died before. I'm in complete foreign territory. With, as my cousin put it, "corny crap" people always say at times like this to guide me. However, I've never wanted to be a cliche'. I didn't want to do or be or become anything like what I felt others thought I should be. My aunt always said, "You will be a great nurse." (she's a nurse). While that may have been very true her use if "You will..." kind of put me off the idea of being a nurse. I know it probably makes no sense - but why should I start now? :)

I don't know how to do this. I want to loose it; but I feel like I should be restrained - be in control. I want to punch the walls; but then I'd have to fix them or at least pay for the fix. I want to take a baseball bat to a tree (or a retaining wall works well too :); but that will break my only remaining bat (and the possible fix thing again). I want to get in my car & drive, with my ipod & a box of tissues; but gas isn't cheap & with PB not working we're trying to watch the pennies.

I feel kinda bad for PB. I know he's there for me & cares about me and how I feel but he doesn't know what to do either. Not because of him but because I haven't/can't give him a direction to act. I pull into myself not leaving much room for other things. That doesn't mean I want him to go into himself & be quiet.... It' s really a catch 22 - I want to be alone, but really I don't. I want to be hugged & touched, but yet I don't. He wants to be there for me and help - and I want him to, I just don't know, very well, how to let him. I tend to be independent to a fault. Sometimes it really bites me in the ass....

Not looking forward to the visitation tomorrow night.


Mia said...

oh honey, it's really too soon for you to have to make any decisions at all. For the next couple of weeks just go easy on yourself and don't expect anything from yourself...... you have a lot of love around you and you will eventually start healing...

btw, I don't know how old you are, but we used to always tell my sister she'd be a good nurse but she always was like "no way, uh uh:.. guess what.. at the age of 40 she started college to be a nurse - she's now an RN who can work as many hours of overtime as she can possibly want - big bucks.

Just sayin :)



Mia said...

how's things? ;)