Treadmill epiphany

At the gym this AM reading a story in the Readers Digest (gift from Grandpa-in-law for Christmas) about happiness & joy, I had a self-proclaimed good idea.

I don't know if it's just the winter blahs or cabin fever or just my own restlessness but I've been "hit or miss" on the happy thing lately. I'm happy for a while, but then I get bored. Or I get stuck on something that I just can't force out of my head. Or I've got lots of knitting I'm working on but nothing at that moment I want to knit. {That reminds me - I so have to update the sidebars.....}

On to my idea - - -

The story I was reading talked about a happiness/blessing journal. Truthfully sounded like a good idea but also a little hokey. But......

In an effort to blog more I decided to try and do a fairly regularly scheduled post about the good things in my life and things I feel thankful for and blessed by. I'm still trying to figure out what a minimum number of items should be. But there will be no cap - so if I'm feeling particularly giddy I'll just keep a running total.

However, since the boss just showed up - I'll post the first installment of ....... (insert name here) later.

Taking down Christmas

I'm at work taking down the Christmas decorations and enjoying a glass of Spanish Rioja (yummy light, tingly red wine - I work at a winery now, don't hate me : ) I never really got the "Christmas mood/spirit" this year. There were moments when I was shopping for those last minute Christmas gifts that the mood was nipping at my heels and the excitement was building. But it never caught up with me. It just danced around behind me, on the outskirts of grasp and just didn't come to be.

New Years was kind of the same way, leading up to it anyway. PB and I usually make too much food for us to eat even over a couple days of left overs. This year we didn't really do much of anything. Ended up watching MTV's party and the ball dropping. We both ended up catching a good buzz and ended up dancing around the living room. It ended up being a fun and laid back night. Too bad reality came too soon.

However - I went to a sale at my LYS on the first and got 6 skeins of Cascade 220; 3 in black and 3 in a heathered light/medium green, for 10% off. I also snagged 3 skeins of baby alpaca (brand ??) in a light celery green, for 40% off! That yarn is so yummy soft I was afraid they were going to call the cops on me because I was fondling it so much!

I started on the Fiber Trends felted clogs out of the Cascade (black for the sole & the green for the upper) for PB. He wears size 14 shoes so I'm going to try and modify the pattern and do to more increase rows on the sole. I couldn't quite wrap my head around that yesterday so I set it aside until I can figure it out or get back to the LYS for help.

It's a sunny day and the snow from the storm seems to be melting. In fact, they're calling for temps into the low 50's by Sunday or Monday. Last time I checked it was still January. Wasn't it??

New Years Tenacity

I don't do resolutions.

They are nice ideas, and I've toyed with the thought of them over the years. But they just don't work for me. So I've decided on tenacity for the new year. A list of things that will be foremost in my mind in the coming year. Things that will important to me to work on - personally, professionally, internally, and relationship-wise.

1 - know that the only person I can truly make happy is me.

2 - continue on working to make me happy.

3 - more knitting.

4 - more blogging.

5 - continue going to the gym daily with Sundays off (gym's closed).

6 - continue to try new classes.

7 - work on eating better & continue to pick better/healthier foods.

8 - find RAK's (Random Acts of Kindness) to commit on unsuspecting people. : )

9 - more knitting blogging & pictures.

10 - plan a great vacation (doesn't have to be extravagant, but it will be fun).

I hope to attend B's graduation in the spring. It would also be nice to go to his open house but if it's at his mom's house (like he wants) I will most likely not be invited /allowed to attend. [His mom called the cops on me once because I was in my car, in her driveway, dropping off the kids.]

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

See you soon!!

Expectations - - -

You know...... I've always wanted to be the youngest to do something. The youngest to write an epic poem - the youngest to write a book - the youngest to paint an amazing picture (but I don't paint....) - the youngest to do something in this wanting world.

But I don't feel young enough to potentially fill that category any more. For that matter when I was a kid, I could usually mark the years by how much I felt lacking about me in my own head.

So I no longer feel able to be the youngest to do anything - so then my mind goes to Grandma Moses. Now I'm not that old by that any stretch of the imagination (although some days my mind fucks with the rest of me and my head).

So here's my question/issue - - - now what do I do? I'm no longer in the category to be the youngest at or in anything (at least in my own head). And Lord knows I don't have the patience to wait around to be the oldest in something (unless I'm really that old - and despite my own screwed up head 30 really isn't that old). So where does that leave me??

For as much as I've wanted to be known for something; I also want to be "not-known". So again - where does that leave me?

So '2 roads diverged in a wood and I took'.... which one?

MIA

Yes, I have been Missing In Action......

I have the most sincere intention to change that - - - however, I have a slight fear. A fear of integrating myselves. The self that the general public knows, the self that my family knows, the self I am in my own head and the self that I think the world (however large or small that may be) expects of me.

Here we go.........

My family -
I have said a couple times to PB that I wonder if my family (mom & dad, mom in particular) would like me if they knew the real me. The me who sometimes likes too much wine, who's been known to dance on bar stools, or who is currently working at a winery (!!!) despite the history alcohol has played in her childhood. I know where I've come from, both the horrors of it and the other side. I believe I have become an adult (if in age only and not "mental feeling" at times) and I'm entitled to my own beliefs and conclusions. This is my life and my mistakes or triumphs to make. I love you all and hope you still love me.

My family, PB & my stepkids -
I hesitate to use that term "stepkids"....they are by definition but I've never liked that term but I've yet to come up with anything else that seems too fit. {so if you have any ideas, let me know.} I love PB with all my heart and I care about his kids more than I expected to and given that admission - I've reached a problem. While their mother has a place in their life and I have tried not to replace her, there are areas in which I feel she needs replaced. I'm sure whatever parenting style I would have, if I had my own kids, would be different and still respectable - I have to question what goes on in a house that's not my own. I feel DD is dancing on a precarious line - one that a tiny breeze could push over to the undesirable side. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it due to the timing PB & I have with DD. How do you instill thoughts & values & self-respect in someone you don't see but 1 night a week and every other weekend?? Especially when 'mom' doesn't do much of those things in the times she's not by me....
As for DS - - - For whatever reason I'm fine to deal with DD but DS..... I don't know..... For some reason PB and I have problems even talking about him. Now, don't get me wrong - he is not a bad kid, quite the contrary. He's a good kid and doesn't do those things you wouldn't want him to do and he's a smart kid that when he does his homework he gets good grades (A's - B's) but he has had a hard time getting his homework done (although in fairness, he's been much better this 1/2 of term). He still needs to do some makeup work for his sophomore year (currently a senior) - he has one and 1/2 homeschool classes to make up in order to graduate. At his current pace I'm concerned about him being able to graduate this year. I would love nothing more to be sitting in some stuffy gym with other hot & sweaty parents (although I don't see myself in that role or with that title....) and too many cameras watching B graduate. But right now I'm concerned and worried that that vision may not happen.

General pubic -
Not sure why I care about these people, really. I think I "should" be good, nice, pleasant, helpful, quiet, etc..... While in general I am these things I wish I could and would stand up for me more often. I'm a Cancer (for whatever it's worth) and I can usually see all points of view even if it's not my particular view point. I really do want to make people feel comfortable, happy and for them to enjoy themselves - I just need to do that without the expense of that being "me". I think my new job at the winery has given me the opportunity to do that (to the point I've said something to a customer and then thought "Did I just say that?!?!" "Woo Hoo"). However, I'm having a difficult time translating that to my home life. Do you ever feel like you're in a rut and unsure of how to get out?

After all this (sorry about the book, but not really...) I'm left with these 2 quotes by 'someone':

"The difference between a rut & a grave is six feet."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

God help me lose myself and in the process truly find myself. I just hope those closest to me can make the transition with me, as I love them all dearly.

"Leap & the net will appear"

- - - Geronimo! - - -

Times......

There are times......

...when someone with self confidence looses sight of herself and wants help being found.

...that you miss the forest for the trees.

...when you can no longer keep quiet and things just come spilling out.

....I believe, that a well meaning person just doesn't know what to do - so they just do nothing.

...when talking is over-rated and you should just grab someone and hold them.

...when talking is the hardest thing to do.

...when listening with an open heart and mind is harder.

...when life just feels like too much.

...when you wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear how someone talks about you when you're not around.

...when you're not where you thought you'd be by now in life - but you discover you don't want to be anywhere else - only to realize that you still need to reconcile that fact in your own head.

....when you truly don't know your own worth or importance to other people.

....that being yourself is the most terrifying but probably the most exhilarating thing you can do.

God help me........

7 - 7 - 07

Lucky or not??

There has been a lot of talk about this day/date. I wonder if in 1907 people had the same talk about this date then?

I have to say that today has been a good day so far, not particularly lucky or unlucky. Just a nice sunny, blue sky fluffy clouds kind of day.

However, I've always believed that another date full of 7's has been pretty lucky; July 14, 1977 - my birthday! Although this year I will be 30..... not sure how lucky that date will be this year.

To Linda - - -

Today we went to a party for Linda, the wife of a friend/vendor (hubby & I are both in purchasing, we both consider him a friend more than anything). We had met her about a year ago when we were invited to their house to help fix their computer.

PB & I hadn't met her before but we knew Al (friend/vendor) pretty well. Linda greeted us with a hug, like we were old friends. By the end of that dinner we were all laughing, joking, getting into deep personal conversations as well as fluff. On the drive home I told PB "I like her - she's really good people." [I usually get along better with guys than I do women so for me to get along this well with someone and truly enjoy their company was pretty high praise from me.]

We met her and Al for lunch once during the week a couple months after that fuzzy night (the wine she was a-flowing that night...) and again we were greeted with a hug like we were old friends. You know those kind of friends that are more like family than friends - that's how Linda made us feel even though we didn't know each other for years.

Today was a celebration of her and the life she had. Linda passed away from cancer about 2 weeks ago. It truly was a party and exactly what she wanted. There was beer & wine, munchie food, pictures, stories and dancing. I believe it was a party she would have liked and I can see her going from table to table making everyone feel welcome and comfortable.

Linda - I didn't know you well but I loved the person I knew and came to know better today. May I not see you again for a long time but you'll be one of those people I look up in Heaven someday. I hope to discover your welcoming spirit and openness to and with others. You left too soon & will be missed.

Cheers!

Holiday weekend = dead mouse

So far it's been a quiet weekend. Friday night we went out for dinner with my husband's - - - not sure what to call him. It's hubby's mother's ex-boyfriend of 10 years or so. He's still very much a part of MIL's life & her parents lives. So what title does that give him?? I really need to create new titles for some of hubby's family....

Yesterday we ran some last minute errands for things we'd need for the weekend. You know - steak, fungus (mushrooms), for shish-ka-bob's. Already had the chicken, onion and pineapple chunks at home. Also picked up a fresh pineapple, tortilla chips, creamy mexi-dip, and whole tilapia fish. The fish are in the smoker as we speak and the steak and chicken will soon be in a marinade for later.

Now, for the dead mouse part of our story - -

I wake up this morning, head to the bathroom and one of the 2 cats that call this place home is going crazy around the toilet. Meowing and pacing back and forth under my legs. Normally she's going crazy in the sink trying to make you turn the water on so she can have a drink. So I walk back to the bedroom to get a flashlight (the bathroom light was not an option that early!).

I mention to PB that Maggie's going wacko and he tells me to go by him and he'd tell me why. Ok now I'm really curious and of course I have to go check it out! I look around where she's pacing and see a mouse trap behind the toilet.....

To the best of my knowledge (I learned later that I didn't know everything on this topic) there has not been a mouse in this house. Now there was a bat in here once but that's another story.

I crawl back into bed and that's when I learn about the events of early this morning. PB got up around 4 or so and headed to the bathroom only to see a cat going nuts and a mouse. He goes to get a shoe and hears our uninvited visitor squeaking.

Good, he thinks, Maggie's caught it and it won't be difficult to evict the little rodent. Maggie then hears PB behind her and lets the mouse go as she trots out of the bathroom. Great - now there's an injured rodent wandering around. He goes back outside to get a trap and gets it set up.

This whole time he's hoping beyond hope that I haven't woken up with all this commotion because I would have a heck of a time getting to sleep with the thought of a mouse in the house. (Now I'm not scared of them but my general take on uninvited nature in my house is that they need to leave or die - either way they gotta go!) He crawls back into bed and hears a little snore from me, and starts laughing to himself.

As he's telling me the story I'm trying to remember any strange noises or odd things I may have heard. I got nothing - I slept through the whole thing!

I get up, take a shower and then I see a little rodent head behind the behind/over the toilet shelf thingy and a tail behind the garbage. Fortunately, the head was laying back as if our little guest was trying to get a tan. According PB the little guy sustained some pretty good wounds from Maggie and wouldn't have stood much of a chance had he made it out of the house.

This just further proves that my statement is universal - "Don't mess with a Chicky!"

Skulls..... I'm in love

I figured out something to knit over this past Easter weekend. This, slightly modified to be a bit bigger. I found a charcoal grey with a nice blood red for the skull. No pictures at the moment. Since I haven't started on the skull yet it wouldn't really be much to look at.

I've also found a couple new Sigg bottles that I think I'm going to have to get. This blue and white one and this black and red one. These bottles are so cool! I bought one a while back and just started using it in the last month or so. They keep your water (or whatever...) cold and they're way better than normal plastic water bottles. They are intended to be reusable and very easy to clean. Not to mention that they can take a shot and can still be used. : )

And I came across some awesome skull & crossbones buttons. Now only if I could find the link for them I might be spending some more money.....

However, I've recently been working out more and trying to eat better. I've gotten up early every day before work for nearly a month and I've already lost 10#'s. So with that goal met - I decided my reward was that blue Sigg bottle. Now what reasoning could I come up with for the black one? ]: )

Friday that isn't a Friday

I get a nice long weekend starting now. I've got Good Friday off of work. So you know what that means..... Time to find bad tv or a few movies, some UFO's and go crazy. One problem - I've become bored with my UFO's and I'm dying to try something new but I haven't found inspiration yet. I smell a LYS trip in my future!

Any suggestions on what to knit? I've got 2 scarves, a Garterlac dishcloth, and a Ruana currently on needles. I'm thinking I'm going to have to make one of these, filled with cotton balls & cat nip for an Easter treat for the critters. I've checked all the free patterns I've saved, looked through the couple books I have, and a couple magazines - and I've come up with nothing!

Help? Hints? Suggestions? Anything?

I've got 3 days without any real set plans other than it would be nice to knit something....

It's been a while....

Ok - really it's been about 3 months.... bad me....

However, I've realized that this is a pretty good outlet and I should use it to it's full potential.

Watch this space - - - more to come!

Happy New Year to all - - -

...and to all a good hangover cure!!

Ok - a little more serious, now -

May you find everything you need in the new year and may there be just enough out of your reach to keep you striving and working for things, and to realize that there are still things you want out there in the world.

Happy New Year!! See you next year!

Merry Christmas - - -

To everyone out there -
new friends or old,
family or acquaintances,
commentors or lurkers;

May you find the best of the season,
and the love that is out there from people you know or don't,
and know that the wonders of the world aren't just for others,
but for you.

Take the time to stop or at least pause; look around, take a deep breath and realize - that you may not always like where you are but you are where you are supposed to be. You will be better for whatever (good or bad) is going on.

Merry Christmas to all! And know that at least one person you've never met thinking about you, wishing you all the happiness you could ever find.

Merry Christmas!

Random-ness

As I sit here on the eve of Christmas Eve with a little too much family dealings today and not enough wine - I feel quiet.

Not the quiet retrospective of looking over the past year at where I've been and what I've done. But more the quiet in-drawn 'not quite here' quiet.

Not really sure why or how I went 'away' but just that I did. Sometimes family will do that to me and considering I've been around them since about 2 this afternoon until about 10 - that could explain it. We went to see PB's family from 2 until about 7:30 and then went to my folks' house straight from there until a little bit ago.

I'm not totally a homebody but there comes a point when you cry "Uncle!" and just want home with a good glass (or few) of wine. I reached that point a little after 6:00.

Here's hoping I can find myself back and my voice before Santa comes for the kids tomorrow AM. (We have PB's 2 kids for Christmas Eve day this year.) Then we have another of my family's get togethers tomorrow night. I wonder how I can smuggle wine into Nana's house??

But I do see a bag from Jared's that might mean a sparkly Christmas day!

A few questions I have....

I have no children - however, I have 2 stepkids. These are resulting questions I have after some recent conversations (not had by me) involving the custody of B, my stepson.

How can your need to be in control as a mother (or in general) over-ride your desire for your children to be happy?

How do you believe your own sanctimonious lies when everyone around you knows you're only in it for your own benefit?

How can you claim to love your children yet treat them with less courtesy than you would a stranger you pass on the street?

How can you say that your children (or child) matters to you yet be more concerned with the monetary aspects of having said child?

{That last one is also asked of Dave N. - my sperm-donor "father".}

How do you find love for children who aren't your own when sometimes you're unsure of your "place"?

How is it that I seem to have (from all those concerned) more interest, care and concern for children who have no 'real' tie to me than their own mother does?

Any thoughts, ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

Jose ?!?!?!?!

When PB & I went on our honeymoon to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic we had this awesome bartender - Jose. There was a drink that the resort had that involved hacking off part of a coconut with a machete and filling it with ice, coconut milk and rum. Well Jose and I were having fun one night and I kept drinking out of the coconut and he kept filling it in with rum - until I was just drinking straight rum. Gotta love Jose! : )

Jose was well known to us to mix a drink, pop down on his haunches behind the bar, suck down that very same drink, and then pop back up like a Jack (Jose hahaha) in a box. Needless to say there were times were weren't sure who was the sober-est of the 3 of us.

There was one story Jose told that we still laugh at from time to time. We were at his bar and quite frankly we were all feeling no pain, when he began to tell a story about when he came home late and his wife's reaction. They got into a big fight and she kept saying "F*ck you, Jose. F*ck you!" We laughed at his story and that seemed to be like adding fuel to Jose's fire. He kept saying "F*ck you, Jose! F*ck you!" and giggling like a child at Christmas. The more we laughed the more he kept saying "F*ck you, Jose! F*ck you!" and giggling.

Now there are times in which PB is up and notices an empty or near empty wine glass and his statement is "Bad Jose!" for not being an attentive bar tender. There's then a little smile/smirk that follows that statement.

PB was a little bit slacking tonight before we started putting up our Christmas tree. So I say to that "Bad Jose". : )

Here's the bar we first met Jose - I miss that funny little Dominican.....

Grand gestures

What is a grand gesture?

Is it a large bouquet of roses delivered in red ribbon-tied box? Or a horse drawn carriage ride? Is it the the wedding kiss?

Or is it simply the touch of a hand at the right moment? Or that look from across the room - the look you weren't supposed to see that you busted him on? Or or is it the acceptance and welcome of things or people in your life that change the direction you thought you were going? Or could it be sleeping on the couch so your significant other could have a decent nights sleep (even knowing you won't)?

Or is it something unexpected? Is it that surpise call in the middle of day just to say "Hi - How are you? - I love you more than my last and future breath - See you after work!"

Or is it seeing a possibly homeless person walking around town picking up pop cans in the cold, wind, and snow and deciding to do something? Knowing you can't do afford much to give as far as money is concerned but you figure out what you can do - knit - and knit a hat for the "walker guy" for the upcoming MI winter.

What constitutes a grand gesture? And does it really matter if the gesture is grand or is it more important that there is a gesture?

There are movies (Love Actually) and wine (Chianti) that make too many thoughts run through busy minds ---

Have a good night/morning....

Warning - - - Honesty ahead......

I read an inspiring post from Stoned Knitter this morning. Her birthday/blog-anniversary is tomorrow and she was waxing poetic a little about life and blogs.

I've had a difficult time getting and keeping this blog going. Sometimes I read everyone else's blog and feel like I don't have much to share. Sometimes I would rather knit than talk about it. Sometimes I forget to take any pictures of FO's or WIP's while the lighting is still there. Sometimes I finally take pictures and they end up sitting in the camera seemingly forever until they're downloaded to the computer. Sometimes I think it's been so long since a post - what's the point? There are times I wonder if anyone is even out there reading.

I've always been a private person and most times too introverted for my own good. I'm more than willing to talk to anyone and I will share just about anything. However, my problem comes in that I very rarely will volunteer much. I figure that if someone wants to know something about me - they'll ask. But I've learned that most people don't ask.

There's also the issue that people believe and somewhat expect different things about me. As an example: my parents, sad to say, I don't think know the real me. Part of me believes that if they did know me, they might not like me. So I keep them in the dark about things. (Yes, I know that I'm old enough that I don't need their approval. But I like being liked and I've kept them in the dark for many years so by now it's more of a habit.) Obviously, they certainly don't know about this blog!

Then there are the truths and feelings that I don't share in order to save other peoples feelings or their perceptions of me. There are people who know about this blog that I worry about what they might read and/or discover about me.

Here's the truth: I've lost my voice. Worse yet, I'm the one who took it from me. It's easier to keep quiet than it is to be woefully misunderstood. It's easier to just stop talking and avoid or stop a fight. It's easier to hide things than to disappoint people.

The other truth: Not having my voice anymore has really taken a good amount of fun out of life.

Fact: I cannot do what I've been doing anymore.

This blog will become something different than it has been. It will start to be my voice to the lurkers and to anyone who comes across it. It will also serve as a catalyst to find my voice more in the real world and to use it at any given (or stolen!) moment. I hope to find myself and my voice back.


There will be knitting content - if I ever get those damn pictures taken! : )

Pictures!!!!

Well how far behind am I??? Some knitting pics updates - - - -

Wine coaster
Mmmmmm........ yummy........
Grilled chicken breast, garlic & pepper roasted asparagus..... & knitted wine coaster!


Squares for Grandma Purl

Artistic......

notice the name on the wine bottle "A Few Good Men" - every chicky should have a couple of those! ]: )

square detail -

Wine glassWine bottle

There has been much more knitting - hats, fingerless gloves, a little work on the Ruana.... just no pics : (

I'll be better over the week and for sure he weekend (maybe even some pics with a male model - PB just doesn't know yet!)

tee hee : )