Almost 3 weeks

It's strange the memories that pop up in the weeks after someone's gone and the feelings that accompany them.

I remember:

Being so pissed in AR for an "out-of-the-blue-must-turn-NOW" turn on the bikes with a semi right behind PB.

- - - I kinda feel bad about that one. Maybe Shorty wasn't thinking clearly or didn't realize how close traffic was behind us. Maybe the heat was affecting him worse than the rest of us, since there wasn't much body mass to him compared to the rest of us & we didn't have his health issue too.

The fight he & I had the 2nd to last time he was in the hospital. He was grumpy about being there and not being home. Mom talked to the dr. and told him of a conversation & decision that we (the 3 of us) had come up with. Shorty accused mom of talking behind his back & possibly not telling the dr. the 'real' truth. Mom got really upset (part from what he was saying/accusing her of & I think in part because of the stress & worry over the whole situation - you know 10 gallons of crap in a 5 gallon bucket). She started to cry & left the room. I started in on Shorty - "Do you seriously believe that mom would do such a thing to you?" "We don't like you being here anymore than you like being here." "Do you know how much mom does for you and on your behalf? And how much she tries to get you home - if its safe for you to be there?" etc.... etc.... He came back with what I expected & was ready for. "I know she does this - cause I've seen her behind me shaking her head or nodding at dr.'s appointments, giving him a different answer to the question." etc... etc....
This went on for 10 minutes or more. Finally after me just staring at him in silence he said "I think you need to leave now" I said I loved him & wished that he'd get home as soon as the dr.'s said he could.

- - - Thinking about it now I kinda smile & laugh a little. My dad kicked me out of his room. He would never do that & never did until that day. Seriously?!? Shorty kicked me out... said I needed to leave now... It's so far from reality that it's just funny.

I remember when Shorty was drinking (since has been sober for over 20 years). Cabbage Patch dolls were huge then - you remember when women were getting into fist fights over the last doll in the city - and they had just come out with Cabbage Patch Twins!! Oh those stupid commercials hooked me - I thought it would be sooo cool to have Cabbage Patch Twins. Shorty was sitting in his chair one night when I said how much I wanted those. The memory is a bit fuzzy here on if what took place was the same night or another after I made that comment. Shorty came into the house with 2 stuffed animals - a dog and a lamb - that he had gotten from some guy at the bar. These weren't the Cabbage Patch Twins I wanted - not even close. I was polite and said thanks and acted like I was happy to get them and oh look how cute.... but it wasn't ok, it wasn't the same, it was even worse than wanting a stupid doll from a tv commercial.

- - - Thinking about it now, I still feel the same. I know now that he was just doing the best he could and his alcohol fuzzy mind thought it would make me happy. I can appreciate that & love him for the fact that he was thinking of me..... but he so missed the mark.

In TN on the bikes the folks were behind me & I was 'playing' on a roller coaster road that I hadn't seen before. A too sharp turn with no warning sign and a chunk of rock later, I laid the bike down. Broken mirror, shaved & broken windshield, scratched helmet & really scratched visor, among a few other scratches & dents. Shorty comes over the hill & sees me & the bike laying on the road. Mom freaks out about me - scratches & blood mixed with gravel and I'm freaking out about my bike. Mom tends to me while Shorty tends to my bike. I'm crying & pointing to my broken bike (who true to her awesomeness starts right up again after Shorty picked her up!). Shorty starts saying "It's ok, Daddy will fix it. We're at a rally, they have everything we need at the vendors. We'll get a new windshield, and we can have the helmet touched up & buy a new visor. We'll get a new mirror or if they don't have one, they can order it to be here the next day. It's ok, Daddy will fix it." And he did. After going to the hospital & taking it easy for a day we went to the vendors. He bought me a new windshield (they had to overnight special mounting brackets), he had the paint on my helmet touched up, he bought me a new visor for my helmet. He special ordered a mirror that was there the next day. Even though I was old enough to have moved out & be on my own - he still paid for everything & told me not to worry about the cost cause he was going to get it. Daddy fixed it.

- - - God, I love him

So now what?

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should do something - be productive, run this weeks errands, pick up & clean the house, sort through my closets, clean out the pop cans that are rolling around the backseat of the car (& under the front seats to tell the truth), walk/jog on the treadmill, sort through the crap in the basement and put it for sale on craigslist or ebay. But part of me wants to lay around on the couch and do not a damn thing.

I don't have an answer to "Now what?".

You know how when you go on vacation to a new place or do something new, like whitewater rafting. You have no idea what to expect. You're nervous, apprehensive, and maybe even scared - because you don't know what's in store. But that's fun, exciting.

This isn't. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do. My dad's never died before. I'm in complete foreign territory. With, as my cousin put it, "corny crap" people always say at times like this to guide me. However, I've never wanted to be a cliche'. I didn't want to do or be or become anything like what I felt others thought I should be. My aunt always said, "You will be a great nurse." (she's a nurse). While that may have been very true her use if "You will..." kind of put me off the idea of being a nurse. I know it probably makes no sense - but why should I start now? :)

I don't know how to do this. I want to loose it; but I feel like I should be restrained - be in control. I want to punch the walls; but then I'd have to fix them or at least pay for the fix. I want to take a baseball bat to a tree (or a retaining wall works well too :); but that will break my only remaining bat (and the possible fix thing again). I want to get in my car & drive, with my ipod & a box of tissues; but gas isn't cheap & with PB not working we're trying to watch the pennies.

I feel kinda bad for PB. I know he's there for me & cares about me and how I feel but he doesn't know what to do either. Not because of him but because I haven't/can't give him a direction to act. I pull into myself not leaving much room for other things. That doesn't mean I want him to go into himself & be quiet.... It' s really a catch 22 - I want to be alone, but really I don't. I want to be hugged & touched, but yet I don't. He wants to be there for me and help - and I want him to, I just don't know, very well, how to let him. I tend to be independent to a fault. Sometimes it really bites me in the ass....

Not looking forward to the visitation tomorrow night.

RIP, Shorty

About 12 hours after arriving at hospice, my dad passed away this morning - I got the call at 6:36 am.

Mom & I didn't want him to suffer any longer, and obviously neither did he. God had a plan - get him where he could be comfortable (although it wasn't his recliner at home) and could be looked after, give us a chance to accept that this time was really the time He wanted Shorty, and let him fall asleep, finally restful, with the help of meds.

He's gone too soon. But if the last few months say anything, he fought as much as he could & even more. Now is his time to rest here on earth & find all that heaven has to offer.

I'm so glad I was able to go on vacation on the bikes with him one last time this past June. He wasn't able to fish as much as I would have liked to see, but he still had fun and caught more fish than either PB or I. I'll never again follow the blue trike blindly wherever it went, knowing that Shorty wouldn't lead me anywhere that wasn't safe. I didn't even have to look both directions before I turned (even though I did - he taught me better than that) because he'd wouldn't go unless there was enough room/space for me to go also. I wish we could have gone out more after we got back but he just wasn't able to. Just a small ride with mom and that was the end of his riding season. But I'm so grateful for that last trip.

Go find the best roads in heaven for us Shorty. I'll be there later to once again follow wherever you lead. i love you

Hospice has been called.....

It's been a week

Since my dad's been in the hospital. His pneumonia has gotten worse and he's too weak to fight off everything that's going on.

It's really hard to go and visit him. I don't know if he remembers me being there after I've gone. There are times he's lucid and talks a little, but there are more times that he's not there - mentally or his personality.

It's just so hard to see the shell of a man who used to be larger than life - at least in my eyes.

So.....

When then time comes -

do you hope they go quick for their sake
or
not for yours??

I'm afraid....

that my dad's slowly dying.

Unfortunately, this thought is always with me - I can't get away from it, can't run away.

This will not go well.
I don't/can't ask for help.
I don't do vulnerable very well.

to

To run
to laugh
to dream
with abandon

To scream
to fear
to tell the truth
without holding back

To rage
to open
to shine
without shrinking

To love
to have
to be
me

Songs in my head

Marc Cohn - Saving the best for last

Marc Cohn - Strangers in a car

Song in my head

Woke up with this one:

Grace Potter - "Left Behind"

I've been a bad blogger.....

Reinventing..... Some things are easier in theory. However, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be done.

I finally got done reading The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It's taken me a couple months to get through it, mainly reading during breakfast before work. There's some information that's dated (mailing a letter is cheaper/better than calling after the rates drop & is a home computer necessary) but overall if you can get past that there's some really good information in it.

I really want to start cutting expenses as much as I can. With hubby not working, I'm trying not to worry but sometimes it creeps in.

Here's my first main goal - to pay off the equity loan that is due for renewal October 2010, currently there's just over $10,000 on it. I've got a plan that will get me really close if not all the way there. After that, the goal is to save money toward a good chunk of land & building a house.

Since running away and joining the circus isn't an option (oh but one can dream... : ) little steps in the right direction. I'm getting the itch to knit too.... Might be time to pick up some of those many UFO's.

Alter ego

new interests.... new thoughts.... new outlooks.....

keeping old..... adding new.....

Jax is coming.....

......

I didn't know her, but after reading her sister's story about her last moment of caregiving and then her sisters death - I feel as if I'm wasting my life.

I blame the tears in my eyes on the wine; but the thoughts are real and true - the solutions to the restlessness of my thoughts and feelings are less clear.

Interesting - - -

Some fit, some don't, some all too well.....

What Katie Lynn Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

high school - - - -

Perceptions......

I just got off the phone with someone who was a year ahead of me in school.

Let me back up some:

I was in choir in high school, as was "M". As I remember she had a very nice Soprano I voice - I was more of a Soprano II or Alto I (?? memory can be a fuzzy thing at times). M always struck me as a one of those popular types, not really "I'm better than you" but maybe a little - or at least that's how I felt. We were never really close other than me knowing who she was, and if she knew who I was, it was news to me.

Fast forward 13 years, (oh God is it really that many...). M comes into the store that I'm working in. As I'm helping her I recognize her voice but don't say anything. She mentions that I look familiar and I mention school. "Oh yes! That's it!" she says. We get to talking, exchange numbers and talk about getting together.

M called tonight and we made plans for tomorrow night. We were talking on the phone and I mentioned checking out the old yearbook and looking up how we were then. M then says "All I remember about high school is being full of insecurity." We continue our conversation and firm up plans for tomorrow night.

Thinking back, M didn't strike me as insecure - not even the typical teenage things. Then again, at that age myself everyone seemed more "in place" and "together" than I was. It seemed almost shocking to me that M felt insecure back then. I just remember her in choir, with a voice I envied (although I would have liked it more in the Alto range.... : ) and the popularity I wished I had.

Really - - - - Is that how life goes?

Everyone else is feeling the same things you are but they just "fake it" as much as you do?

M said something else tonight that struck me "God puts people into your life for a reason". While I've always liked and believed that statement, I guess I've never thought it applied to me being the person "put into" anyone's life.

damn high school and those insecurities.....

Weather

It's been cold - highs in the mid-teens, lows in the low singles, and negitive wind chills. Winter storms, lake effect snow, blowing and drifting..... You know all the lovely winter weather West MI is known for. I heard a saying receintly "98% of people get nervous and freak out during a little dusting of snow. The remaining 2%, live in Michigan." So true..... so true......

I, on the other hand, have been decidedly under the weather. I got home from work on Friday and hit the couch. Until today, I haven't strayed far that couch, or the bed. I could have (and maybe should have) stayed home today but I felt I needed to be at work to help set up for a 3 night Valentine's tapas & wine event.

I haven't been to the gym since Thursday (or was it Wednesday?) and I've wished every day since that I was there. Which would mean that I felt well enough to be at the gym. I hope soon - I'm starting to miss the place.

If the weather was nicer.....

....I would go out for a run.

Now there's a statement that would never have been thought of by me. Not even at 2 AM, standing in the front porch, after a fight with PB. But it happed, I actually thought that.

Me - the person who had always hated running, the person that would rather bike for 60 miles than run a mile, the person who only in the past week and a 1/2 started jogging on the treadmill at the gym (at a speed of 4.4/4.5 miles an hour - while not much to some I'm at least impressed with me).

Mind you this thought occured to me while staring out the windows at yet another Michigan winter snow storm that closed the schools again today.

For what it's worth - I stayed home, contemplated life and the state of mine, and eventually went to bed.

Too bad all the treadmills at the gym were busy when I got there this morning. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have gotten in one hell of a jog.

Daily 3

~~ songs on the radio you haven't heard in a really long time

~~ hot chocolate in your favorite mug

~~ merlot

~~ bundling up to go outside

~~ the time machine that certain songs put you in

~~ corner booths in dark bars

~~ snow that balances on tree branches

Daily 2

~~ delicious smelling cologne

~~ snuggles with someone you love

~~ DVR

~~ ipod

~~ gym membership

Daily 1

~~ yummy salmon dinner

~~ a warm toasty house (especially with the winter storm on its way)

~~ a job in MI's lacking economy

~~ knitting - even though I don't know what I want to knit right now : P