I'm afraid....

that my dad's slowly dying.

Unfortunately, this thought is always with me - I can't get away from it, can't run away.

This will not go well.
I don't/can't ask for help.
I don't do vulnerable very well.

to

To run
to laugh
to dream
with abandon

To scream
to fear
to tell the truth
without holding back

To rage
to open
to shine
without shrinking

To love
to have
to be
me

Songs in my head

Marc Cohn - Saving the best for last

Marc Cohn - Strangers in a car

Song in my head

Woke up with this one:

Grace Potter - "Left Behind"

I've been a bad blogger.....

Reinventing..... Some things are easier in theory. However, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be done.

I finally got done reading The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It's taken me a couple months to get through it, mainly reading during breakfast before work. There's some information that's dated (mailing a letter is cheaper/better than calling after the rates drop & is a home computer necessary) but overall if you can get past that there's some really good information in it.

I really want to start cutting expenses as much as I can. With hubby not working, I'm trying not to worry but sometimes it creeps in.

Here's my first main goal - to pay off the equity loan that is due for renewal October 2010, currently there's just over $10,000 on it. I've got a plan that will get me really close if not all the way there. After that, the goal is to save money toward a good chunk of land & building a house.

Since running away and joining the circus isn't an option (oh but one can dream... : ) little steps in the right direction. I'm getting the itch to knit too.... Might be time to pick up some of those many UFO's.

Alter ego

new interests.... new thoughts.... new outlooks.....

keeping old..... adding new.....

Jax is coming.....

......

I didn't know her, but after reading her sister's story about her last moment of caregiving and then her sisters death - I feel as if I'm wasting my life.

I blame the tears in my eyes on the wine; but the thoughts are real and true - the solutions to the restlessness of my thoughts and feelings are less clear.

Interesting - - -

Some fit, some don't, some all too well.....

What Katie Lynn Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

high school - - - -

Perceptions......

I just got off the phone with someone who was a year ahead of me in school.

Let me back up some:

I was in choir in high school, as was "M". As I remember she had a very nice Soprano I voice - I was more of a Soprano II or Alto I (?? memory can be a fuzzy thing at times). M always struck me as a one of those popular types, not really "I'm better than you" but maybe a little - or at least that's how I felt. We were never really close other than me knowing who she was, and if she knew who I was, it was news to me.

Fast forward 13 years, (oh God is it really that many...). M comes into the store that I'm working in. As I'm helping her I recognize her voice but don't say anything. She mentions that I look familiar and I mention school. "Oh yes! That's it!" she says. We get to talking, exchange numbers and talk about getting together.

M called tonight and we made plans for tomorrow night. We were talking on the phone and I mentioned checking out the old yearbook and looking up how we were then. M then says "All I remember about high school is being full of insecurity." We continue our conversation and firm up plans for tomorrow night.

Thinking back, M didn't strike me as insecure - not even the typical teenage things. Then again, at that age myself everyone seemed more "in place" and "together" than I was. It seemed almost shocking to me that M felt insecure back then. I just remember her in choir, with a voice I envied (although I would have liked it more in the Alto range.... : ) and the popularity I wished I had.

Really - - - - Is that how life goes?

Everyone else is feeling the same things you are but they just "fake it" as much as you do?

M said something else tonight that struck me "God puts people into your life for a reason". While I've always liked and believed that statement, I guess I've never thought it applied to me being the person "put into" anyone's life.

damn high school and those insecurities.....

Weather

It's been cold - highs in the mid-teens, lows in the low singles, and negitive wind chills. Winter storms, lake effect snow, blowing and drifting..... You know all the lovely winter weather West MI is known for. I heard a saying receintly "98% of people get nervous and freak out during a little dusting of snow. The remaining 2%, live in Michigan." So true..... so true......

I, on the other hand, have been decidedly under the weather. I got home from work on Friday and hit the couch. Until today, I haven't strayed far that couch, or the bed. I could have (and maybe should have) stayed home today but I felt I needed to be at work to help set up for a 3 night Valentine's tapas & wine event.

I haven't been to the gym since Thursday (or was it Wednesday?) and I've wished every day since that I was there. Which would mean that I felt well enough to be at the gym. I hope soon - I'm starting to miss the place.

If the weather was nicer.....

....I would go out for a run.

Now there's a statement that would never have been thought of by me. Not even at 2 AM, standing in the front porch, after a fight with PB. But it happed, I actually thought that.

Me - the person who had always hated running, the person that would rather bike for 60 miles than run a mile, the person who only in the past week and a 1/2 started jogging on the treadmill at the gym (at a speed of 4.4/4.5 miles an hour - while not much to some I'm at least impressed with me).

Mind you this thought occured to me while staring out the windows at yet another Michigan winter snow storm that closed the schools again today.

For what it's worth - I stayed home, contemplated life and the state of mine, and eventually went to bed.

Too bad all the treadmills at the gym were busy when I got there this morning. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have gotten in one hell of a jog.

Daily 3

~~ songs on the radio you haven't heard in a really long time

~~ hot chocolate in your favorite mug

~~ merlot

~~ bundling up to go outside

~~ the time machine that certain songs put you in

~~ corner booths in dark bars

~~ snow that balances on tree branches

Daily 2

~~ delicious smelling cologne

~~ snuggles with someone you love

~~ DVR

~~ ipod

~~ gym membership

Daily 1

~~ yummy salmon dinner

~~ a warm toasty house (especially with the winter storm on its way)

~~ a job in MI's lacking economy

~~ knitting - even though I don't know what I want to knit right now : P

Treadmill epiphany

At the gym this AM reading a story in the Readers Digest (gift from Grandpa-in-law for Christmas) about happiness & joy, I had a self-proclaimed good idea.

I don't know if it's just the winter blahs or cabin fever or just my own restlessness but I've been "hit or miss" on the happy thing lately. I'm happy for a while, but then I get bored. Or I get stuck on something that I just can't force out of my head. Or I've got lots of knitting I'm working on but nothing at that moment I want to knit. {That reminds me - I so have to update the sidebars.....}

On to my idea - - -

The story I was reading talked about a happiness/blessing journal. Truthfully sounded like a good idea but also a little hokey. But......

In an effort to blog more I decided to try and do a fairly regularly scheduled post about the good things in my life and things I feel thankful for and blessed by. I'm still trying to figure out what a minimum number of items should be. But there will be no cap - so if I'm feeling particularly giddy I'll just keep a running total.

However, since the boss just showed up - I'll post the first installment of ....... (insert name here) later.

Taking down Christmas

I'm at work taking down the Christmas decorations and enjoying a glass of Spanish Rioja (yummy light, tingly red wine - I work at a winery now, don't hate me : ) I never really got the "Christmas mood/spirit" this year. There were moments when I was shopping for those last minute Christmas gifts that the mood was nipping at my heels and the excitement was building. But it never caught up with me. It just danced around behind me, on the outskirts of grasp and just didn't come to be.

New Years was kind of the same way, leading up to it anyway. PB and I usually make too much food for us to eat even over a couple days of left overs. This year we didn't really do much of anything. Ended up watching MTV's party and the ball dropping. We both ended up catching a good buzz and ended up dancing around the living room. It ended up being a fun and laid back night. Too bad reality came too soon.

However - I went to a sale at my LYS on the first and got 6 skeins of Cascade 220; 3 in black and 3 in a heathered light/medium green, for 10% off. I also snagged 3 skeins of baby alpaca (brand ??) in a light celery green, for 40% off! That yarn is so yummy soft I was afraid they were going to call the cops on me because I was fondling it so much!

I started on the Fiber Trends felted clogs out of the Cascade (black for the sole & the green for the upper) for PB. He wears size 14 shoes so I'm going to try and modify the pattern and do to more increase rows on the sole. I couldn't quite wrap my head around that yesterday so I set it aside until I can figure it out or get back to the LYS for help.

It's a sunny day and the snow from the storm seems to be melting. In fact, they're calling for temps into the low 50's by Sunday or Monday. Last time I checked it was still January. Wasn't it??

New Years Tenacity

I don't do resolutions.

They are nice ideas, and I've toyed with the thought of them over the years. But they just don't work for me. So I've decided on tenacity for the new year. A list of things that will be foremost in my mind in the coming year. Things that will important to me to work on - personally, professionally, internally, and relationship-wise.

1 - know that the only person I can truly make happy is me.

2 - continue on working to make me happy.

3 - more knitting.

4 - more blogging.

5 - continue going to the gym daily with Sundays off (gym's closed).

6 - continue to try new classes.

7 - work on eating better & continue to pick better/healthier foods.

8 - find RAK's (Random Acts of Kindness) to commit on unsuspecting people. : )

9 - more knitting blogging & pictures.

10 - plan a great vacation (doesn't have to be extravagant, but it will be fun).

I hope to attend B's graduation in the spring. It would also be nice to go to his open house but if it's at his mom's house (like he wants) I will most likely not be invited /allowed to attend. [His mom called the cops on me once because I was in my car, in her driveway, dropping off the kids.]

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

See you soon!!

Expectations - - -

You know...... I've always wanted to be the youngest to do something. The youngest to write an epic poem - the youngest to write a book - the youngest to paint an amazing picture (but I don't paint....) - the youngest to do something in this wanting world.

But I don't feel young enough to potentially fill that category any more. For that matter when I was a kid, I could usually mark the years by how much I felt lacking about me in my own head.

So I no longer feel able to be the youngest to do anything - so then my mind goes to Grandma Moses. Now I'm not that old by that any stretch of the imagination (although some days my mind fucks with the rest of me and my head).

So here's my question/issue - - - now what do I do? I'm no longer in the category to be the youngest at or in anything (at least in my own head). And Lord knows I don't have the patience to wait around to be the oldest in something (unless I'm really that old - and despite my own screwed up head 30 really isn't that old). So where does that leave me??

For as much as I've wanted to be known for something; I also want to be "not-known". So again - where does that leave me?

So '2 roads diverged in a wood and I took'.... which one?

MIA

Yes, I have been Missing In Action......

I have the most sincere intention to change that - - - however, I have a slight fear. A fear of integrating myselves. The self that the general public knows, the self that my family knows, the self I am in my own head and the self that I think the world (however large or small that may be) expects of me.

Here we go.........

My family -
I have said a couple times to PB that I wonder if my family (mom & dad, mom in particular) would like me if they knew the real me. The me who sometimes likes too much wine, who's been known to dance on bar stools, or who is currently working at a winery (!!!) despite the history alcohol has played in her childhood. I know where I've come from, both the horrors of it and the other side. I believe I have become an adult (if in age only and not "mental feeling" at times) and I'm entitled to my own beliefs and conclusions. This is my life and my mistakes or triumphs to make. I love you all and hope you still love me.

My family, PB & my stepkids -
I hesitate to use that term "stepkids"....they are by definition but I've never liked that term but I've yet to come up with anything else that seems too fit. {so if you have any ideas, let me know.} I love PB with all my heart and I care about his kids more than I expected to and given that admission - I've reached a problem. While their mother has a place in their life and I have tried not to replace her, there are areas in which I feel she needs replaced. I'm sure whatever parenting style I would have, if I had my own kids, would be different and still respectable - I have to question what goes on in a house that's not my own. I feel DD is dancing on a precarious line - one that a tiny breeze could push over to the undesirable side. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it due to the timing PB & I have with DD. How do you instill thoughts & values & self-respect in someone you don't see but 1 night a week and every other weekend?? Especially when 'mom' doesn't do much of those things in the times she's not by me....
As for DS - - - For whatever reason I'm fine to deal with DD but DS..... I don't know..... For some reason PB and I have problems even talking about him. Now, don't get me wrong - he is not a bad kid, quite the contrary. He's a good kid and doesn't do those things you wouldn't want him to do and he's a smart kid that when he does his homework he gets good grades (A's - B's) but he has had a hard time getting his homework done (although in fairness, he's been much better this 1/2 of term). He still needs to do some makeup work for his sophomore year (currently a senior) - he has one and 1/2 homeschool classes to make up in order to graduate. At his current pace I'm concerned about him being able to graduate this year. I would love nothing more to be sitting in some stuffy gym with other hot & sweaty parents (although I don't see myself in that role or with that title....) and too many cameras watching B graduate. But right now I'm concerned and worried that that vision may not happen.

General pubic -
Not sure why I care about these people, really. I think I "should" be good, nice, pleasant, helpful, quiet, etc..... While in general I am these things I wish I could and would stand up for me more often. I'm a Cancer (for whatever it's worth) and I can usually see all points of view even if it's not my particular view point. I really do want to make people feel comfortable, happy and for them to enjoy themselves - I just need to do that without the expense of that being "me". I think my new job at the winery has given me the opportunity to do that (to the point I've said something to a customer and then thought "Did I just say that?!?!" "Woo Hoo"). However, I'm having a difficult time translating that to my home life. Do you ever feel like you're in a rut and unsure of how to get out?

After all this (sorry about the book, but not really...) I'm left with these 2 quotes by 'someone':

"The difference between a rut & a grave is six feet."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

God help me lose myself and in the process truly find myself. I just hope those closest to me can make the transition with me, as I love them all dearly.

"Leap & the net will appear"

- - - Geronimo! - - -

Times......

There are times......

...when someone with self confidence looses sight of herself and wants help being found.

...that you miss the forest for the trees.

...when you can no longer keep quiet and things just come spilling out.

....I believe, that a well meaning person just doesn't know what to do - so they just do nothing.

...when talking is over-rated and you should just grab someone and hold them.

...when talking is the hardest thing to do.

...when listening with an open heart and mind is harder.

...when life just feels like too much.

...when you wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear how someone talks about you when you're not around.

...when you're not where you thought you'd be by now in life - but you discover you don't want to be anywhere else - only to realize that you still need to reconcile that fact in your own head.

....when you truly don't know your own worth or importance to other people.

....that being yourself is the most terrifying but probably the most exhilarating thing you can do.

God help me........