Sunday, November 21, 2010

so much for catching up

School is going pretty well. I wish I was doing better in Anatomy (one of the 5 classes they base your GPA on in order to get into the nursing program).

Thinking about school and all that it entails is really overwhelming at the moment and it's left me feeling very alone.

1 house, 2 people, 0 jobs, 2 people trying to go to school, 1 person's unemployment about to run out - does not make for a very settled & calm Chicky.

Thinking about what to say to catch up just makes me want to cry. I feel like there's 10 gallons of shit stuffed into a 5 gallon bucket and it just wants to overflow. I want to lose it, cry, scream, yell, and talk it out. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I would be judged or viewed as "weak" or "just being emotional" or "wanting to pick a fight" by the people who are closest to me, those who already seem to have a lower opinion of me. I can't always be strong, and I know this, I can't always try to be good, or whoever everyone wants me to be. I just wish I felt comfortable and safe enough to let go.

I'm ok or happy for a while but there's always this underlying current that never quite leaves me.

And I need it to leave me.

1 comment:

Mia said...

Don't waste time tryin' to catch up - let's just move boldly forward.