Goodbye 2010

Kind of glad to see the year go. Hasn't been an easy year: PB going on 2 years without a job, me without a job, Shorty dying, going to college after 15 years, etc.... Here's hoping that 2011 brings a greater sense of inner peace, happiness, closeness to those who have grown distant, rocking the college thing & mega prayers that I get into the nursing program.

* * Taken at noon in Michigan. 50 degrees!! Not on December 31st!!

so much for catching up

School is going pretty well. I wish I was doing better in Anatomy (one of the 5 classes they base your GPA on in order to get into the nursing program).

Thinking about school and all that it entails is really overwhelming at the moment and it's left me feeling very alone.

1 house, 2 people, 0 jobs, 2 people trying to go to school, 1 person's unemployment about to run out - does not make for a very settled & calm Chicky.

Thinking about what to say to catch up just makes me want to cry. I feel like there's 10 gallons of shit stuffed into a 5 gallon bucket and it just wants to overflow. I want to lose it, cry, scream, yell, and talk it out. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I would be judged or viewed as "weak" or "just being emotional" or "wanting to pick a fight" by the people who are closest to me, those who already seem to have a lower opinion of me. I can't always be strong, and I know this, I can't always try to be good, or whoever everyone wants me to be. I just wish I felt comfortable and safe enough to let go.

I'm ok or happy for a while but there's always this underlying current that never quite leaves me.

And I need it to leave me.

So now what?

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should do something - be productive, run this weeks errands, pick up & clean the house, sort through my closets, clean out the pop cans that are rolling around the backseat of the car (& under the front seats to tell the truth), walk/jog on the treadmill, sort through the crap in the basement and put it for sale on craigslist or ebay. But part of me wants to lay around on the couch and do not a damn thing.

I don't have an answer to "Now what?".

You know how when you go on vacation to a new place or do something new, like whitewater rafting. You have no idea what to expect. You're nervous, apprehensive, and maybe even scared - because you don't know what's in store. But that's fun, exciting.

This isn't. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do. My dad's never died before. I'm in complete foreign territory. With, as my cousin put it, "corny crap" people always say at times like this to guide me. However, I've never wanted to be a cliche'. I didn't want to do or be or become anything like what I felt others thought I should be. My aunt always said, "You will be a great nurse." (she's a nurse). While that may have been very true her use if "You will..." kind of put me off the idea of being a nurse. I know it probably makes no sense - but why should I start now? :)

I don't know how to do this. I want to loose it; but I feel like I should be restrained - be in control. I want to punch the walls; but then I'd have to fix them or at least pay for the fix. I want to take a baseball bat to a tree (or a retaining wall works well too :); but that will break my only remaining bat (and the possible fix thing again). I want to get in my car & drive, with my ipod & a box of tissues; but gas isn't cheap & with PB not working we're trying to watch the pennies.

I feel kinda bad for PB. I know he's there for me & cares about me and how I feel but he doesn't know what to do either. Not because of him but because I haven't/can't give him a direction to act. I pull into myself not leaving much room for other things. That doesn't mean I want him to go into himself & be quiet.... It' s really a catch 22 - I want to be alone, but really I don't. I want to be hugged & touched, but yet I don't. He wants to be there for me and help - and I want him to, I just don't know, very well, how to let him. I tend to be independent to a fault. Sometimes it really bites me in the ass....

Not looking forward to the visitation tomorrow night.

I'm afraid....

that my dad's slowly dying.

Unfortunately, this thought is always with me - I can't get away from it, can't run away.

This will not go well.
I don't/can't ask for help.
I don't do vulnerable very well.

I've been a bad blogger.....

Reinventing..... Some things are easier in theory. However, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be done.

I finally got done reading The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It's taken me a couple months to get through it, mainly reading during breakfast before work. There's some information that's dated (mailing a letter is cheaper/better than calling after the rates drop & is a home computer necessary) but overall if you can get past that there's some really good information in it.

I really want to start cutting expenses as much as I can. With hubby not working, I'm trying not to worry but sometimes it creeps in.

Here's my first main goal - to pay off the equity loan that is due for renewal October 2010, currently there's just over $10,000 on it. I've got a plan that will get me really close if not all the way there. After that, the goal is to save money toward a good chunk of land & building a house.

Since running away and joining the circus isn't an option (oh but one can dream... : ) little steps in the right direction. I'm getting the itch to knit too.... Might be time to pick up some of those many UFO's.

high school - - - -

Perceptions......

I just got off the phone with someone who was a year ahead of me in school.

Let me back up some:

I was in choir in high school, as was "M". As I remember she had a very nice Soprano I voice - I was more of a Soprano II or Alto I (?? memory can be a fuzzy thing at times). M always struck me as a one of those popular types, not really "I'm better than you" but maybe a little - or at least that's how I felt. We were never really close other than me knowing who she was, and if she knew who I was, it was news to me.

Fast forward 13 years, (oh God is it really that many...). M comes into the store that I'm working in. As I'm helping her I recognize her voice but don't say anything. She mentions that I look familiar and I mention school. "Oh yes! That's it!" she says. We get to talking, exchange numbers and talk about getting together.

M called tonight and we made plans for tomorrow night. We were talking on the phone and I mentioned checking out the old yearbook and looking up how we were then. M then says "All I remember about high school is being full of insecurity." We continue our conversation and firm up plans for tomorrow night.

Thinking back, M didn't strike me as insecure - not even the typical teenage things. Then again, at that age myself everyone seemed more "in place" and "together" than I was. It seemed almost shocking to me that M felt insecure back then. I just remember her in choir, with a voice I envied (although I would have liked it more in the Alto range.... : ) and the popularity I wished I had.

Really - - - - Is that how life goes?

Everyone else is feeling the same things you are but they just "fake it" as much as you do?

M said something else tonight that struck me "God puts people into your life for a reason". While I've always liked and believed that statement, I guess I've never thought it applied to me being the person "put into" anyone's life.

damn high school and those insecurities.....

If the weather was nicer.....

....I would go out for a run.

Now there's a statement that would never have been thought of by me. Not even at 2 AM, standing in the front porch, after a fight with PB. But it happed, I actually thought that.

Me - the person who had always hated running, the person that would rather bike for 60 miles than run a mile, the person who only in the past week and a 1/2 started jogging on the treadmill at the gym (at a speed of 4.4/4.5 miles an hour - while not much to some I'm at least impressed with me).

Mind you this thought occured to me while staring out the windows at yet another Michigan winter snow storm that closed the schools again today.

For what it's worth - I stayed home, contemplated life and the state of mine, and eventually went to bed.

Too bad all the treadmills at the gym were busy when I got there this morning. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have gotten in one hell of a jog.

Treadmill epiphany

At the gym this AM reading a story in the Readers Digest (gift from Grandpa-in-law for Christmas) about happiness & joy, I had a self-proclaimed good idea.

I don't know if it's just the winter blahs or cabin fever or just my own restlessness but I've been "hit or miss" on the happy thing lately. I'm happy for a while, but then I get bored. Or I get stuck on something that I just can't force out of my head. Or I've got lots of knitting I'm working on but nothing at that moment I want to knit. {That reminds me - I so have to update the sidebars.....}

On to my idea - - -

The story I was reading talked about a happiness/blessing journal. Truthfully sounded like a good idea but also a little hokey. But......

In an effort to blog more I decided to try and do a fairly regularly scheduled post about the good things in my life and things I feel thankful for and blessed by. I'm still trying to figure out what a minimum number of items should be. But there will be no cap - so if I'm feeling particularly giddy I'll just keep a running total.

However, since the boss just showed up - I'll post the first installment of ....... (insert name here) later.

Expectations - - -

You know...... I've always wanted to be the youngest to do something. The youngest to write an epic poem - the youngest to write a book - the youngest to paint an amazing picture (but I don't paint....) - the youngest to do something in this wanting world.

But I don't feel young enough to potentially fill that category any more. For that matter when I was a kid, I could usually mark the years by how much I felt lacking about me in my own head.

So I no longer feel able to be the youngest to do anything - so then my mind goes to Grandma Moses. Now I'm not that old by that any stretch of the imagination (although some days my mind fucks with the rest of me and my head).

So here's my question/issue - - - now what do I do? I'm no longer in the category to be the youngest at or in anything (at least in my own head). And Lord knows I don't have the patience to wait around to be the oldest in something (unless I'm really that old - and despite my own screwed up head 30 really isn't that old). So where does that leave me??

For as much as I've wanted to be known for something; I also want to be "not-known". So again - where does that leave me?

So '2 roads diverged in a wood and I took'.... which one?

MIA

Yes, I have been Missing In Action......

I have the most sincere intention to change that - - - however, I have a slight fear. A fear of integrating myselves. The self that the general public knows, the self that my family knows, the self I am in my own head and the self that I think the world (however large or small that may be) expects of me.

Here we go.........

My family -
I have said a couple times to PB that I wonder if my family (mom & dad, mom in particular) would like me if they knew the real me. The me who sometimes likes too much wine, who's been known to dance on bar stools, or who is currently working at a winery (!!!) despite the history alcohol has played in her childhood. I know where I've come from, both the horrors of it and the other side. I believe I have become an adult (if in age only and not "mental feeling" at times) and I'm entitled to my own beliefs and conclusions. This is my life and my mistakes or triumphs to make. I love you all and hope you still love me.

My family, PB & my stepkids -
I hesitate to use that term "stepkids"....they are by definition but I've never liked that term but I've yet to come up with anything else that seems too fit. {so if you have any ideas, let me know.} I love PB with all my heart and I care about his kids more than I expected to and given that admission - I've reached a problem. While their mother has a place in their life and I have tried not to replace her, there are areas in which I feel she needs replaced. I'm sure whatever parenting style I would have, if I had my own kids, would be different and still respectable - I have to question what goes on in a house that's not my own. I feel DD is dancing on a precarious line - one that a tiny breeze could push over to the undesirable side. However, I feel powerless to do anything about it due to the timing PB & I have with DD. How do you instill thoughts & values & self-respect in someone you don't see but 1 night a week and every other weekend?? Especially when 'mom' doesn't do much of those things in the times she's not by me....
As for DS - - - For whatever reason I'm fine to deal with DD but DS..... I don't know..... For some reason PB and I have problems even talking about him. Now, don't get me wrong - he is not a bad kid, quite the contrary. He's a good kid and doesn't do those things you wouldn't want him to do and he's a smart kid that when he does his homework he gets good grades (A's - B's) but he has had a hard time getting his homework done (although in fairness, he's been much better this 1/2 of term). He still needs to do some makeup work for his sophomore year (currently a senior) - he has one and 1/2 homeschool classes to make up in order to graduate. At his current pace I'm concerned about him being able to graduate this year. I would love nothing more to be sitting in some stuffy gym with other hot & sweaty parents (although I don't see myself in that role or with that title....) and too many cameras watching B graduate. But right now I'm concerned and worried that that vision may not happen.

General pubic -
Not sure why I care about these people, really. I think I "should" be good, nice, pleasant, helpful, quiet, etc..... While in general I am these things I wish I could and would stand up for me more often. I'm a Cancer (for whatever it's worth) and I can usually see all points of view even if it's not my particular view point. I really do want to make people feel comfortable, happy and for them to enjoy themselves - I just need to do that without the expense of that being "me". I think my new job at the winery has given me the opportunity to do that (to the point I've said something to a customer and then thought "Did I just say that?!?!" "Woo Hoo"). However, I'm having a difficult time translating that to my home life. Do you ever feel like you're in a rut and unsure of how to get out?

After all this (sorry about the book, but not really...) I'm left with these 2 quotes by 'someone':

"The difference between a rut & a grave is six feet."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

God help me lose myself and in the process truly find myself. I just hope those closest to me can make the transition with me, as I love them all dearly.

"Leap & the net will appear"

- - - Geronimo! - - -