It's been a week

Since my dad's been in the hospital. His pneumonia has gotten worse and he's too weak to fight off everything that's going on.

It's really hard to go and visit him. I don't know if he remembers me being there after I've gone. There are times he's lucid and talks a little, but there are more times that he's not there - mentally or his personality.

It's just so hard to see the shell of a man who used to be larger than life - at least in my eyes.

So.....

When then time comes -

do you hope they go quick for their sake
or
not for yours??

I'm afraid....

that my dad's slowly dying.

Unfortunately, this thought is always with me - I can't get away from it, can't run away.

This will not go well.
I don't/can't ask for help.
I don't do vulnerable very well.

to

To run
to laugh
to dream
with abandon

To scream
to fear
to tell the truth
without holding back

To rage
to open
to shine
without shrinking

To love
to have
to be
me

Songs in my head

Marc Cohn - Saving the best for last

Marc Cohn - Strangers in a car

Song in my head

Woke up with this one:

Grace Potter - "Left Behind"

I've been a bad blogger.....

Reinventing..... Some things are easier in theory. However, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be done.

I finally got done reading The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It's taken me a couple months to get through it, mainly reading during breakfast before work. There's some information that's dated (mailing a letter is cheaper/better than calling after the rates drop & is a home computer necessary) but overall if you can get past that there's some really good information in it.

I really want to start cutting expenses as much as I can. With hubby not working, I'm trying not to worry but sometimes it creeps in.

Here's my first main goal - to pay off the equity loan that is due for renewal October 2010, currently there's just over $10,000 on it. I've got a plan that will get me really close if not all the way there. After that, the goal is to save money toward a good chunk of land & building a house.

Since running away and joining the circus isn't an option (oh but one can dream... : ) little steps in the right direction. I'm getting the itch to knit too.... Might be time to pick up some of those many UFO's.

Alter ego

new interests.... new thoughts.... new outlooks.....

keeping old..... adding new.....

Jax is coming.....